CJB : life in the fastlane: April 2009

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

life...

So there are 2 days left on the clock until the end of college. Tomorrow night marks the end of things present and the start of a million possibilities for the future. I probably should finish the last couple projects I have to work on - but I'll revel in the last all-nighter I pull as a college student! I just want my diploma, and a beer in my hand.

The world feels more complex and layered then it ever did before. Contradiction runs frequent like smoke breaks these days. The world is awake and asleep. Even the people close to me bounce between the origami fog and an elegant balance of systems. Tension is high, and exhaustion is here. Critique for thesis today felt like sitting on an iron fence on a sunny day with storm clouds breaking the good vibes and raining the parade away. My head hurts but I'm thankful for the most critical advice I know I could get. Even though the end product is pretty solid - I'm still not happy with it. Its got a lot of tweaking and testing on audiences that needs to be done before I call it quits. It doesn't speak for me the way it should, because I've realized how scattered my life is right now. There is no cohesiveness to my personal life so to make resolution in my art that speaks that way is almost impossible. I would say I'm lost and about to get a whole lot more lost.....and I feel comfortable with that. At least I'm being honest with myself and critical with the things before me - whatever or whoever that/ they may be.

Everyone wants everything to be wrapped up in a nice little pretty box to sell to the masses. Artists and buyers alike. Fuck that. I'll take your box and shit in it! - Your statement is clear but your presentation is just is cliche as my statements. Stop selling out to your own imagination just because you picked the side you did. Sometimes I think our ego's get the best of us a lot here. Its the pickiest personal flaws I feel like are always coming up now in critique - and its like are you fucking serious - let me make my fucking art - do I look like I'm 12 or something? I feel so fucking jaded - my spirit sits and is awaiting release....

We don't like what we don't understand - This became apparent again today for like the 300th time. I get off on the fact you don't understand - Its like a game of control and no one knows who's in control - Cause you're just a smart animal walking with one just as intelligent.

At least I am awake to the social coma society tends to trap so many of us in. I cannot say this for many people I know here at school, because I haven't had the opportunity to talk deeply with them on this topic, nor at this point do I really care. I just want to move on to the next phase of my life - I think I've grown tired of feeling like a child on the playground here. I'm 22 and not getting any younger.... we all find our own way and I don't see things the way you do.

I say I'm glad to leave because I feel like we've all grown a little too ego-centric to be playing on the jungle-gyms here anymore. I think stepping away from the art world for a while will be incredibly healthy.

My name is jiiggy zoo - I am an artist. My name is runaway - I sell my paintings. My name is ego - I fight the system. My name is Christopher - and I'm unlike you....